It will all be OK in the end

Toddler Power--an alternative energy source

2006-04-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

We were supposed to take the train to visit my family in California a few days ago, but Jacob came down with a high fever and was very lethargic, so we had to cancel. His doctor couldn't find anything that signaled the need for antibiotics, so we figure it was some horrible virus. It was very disappointing to cancel our trip, but fortunately one can postpone a trip with Amtrak and not suffer any penalties, so it's just a matter of finding dates that will work for everyone. We were really looking forward to the adventure of train travel.

So, we spent the last few days holding Jacob while he clearly felt just plain awful. He was better yesterday and we had a great afternoon at a local park. Jacob swung in a swing and played with a bunch of bigger kids who were there with a local Boys and Girls Club. The kids were incredibly sweet and kind to him and gently played ball and bounced in a springy-see-saw type of playgound toy with him. In fact, Jacob had so much fun at the park that he didn't want to leave. I made sure to tell him that we were going home as we walked to the car so he didn't have any surprises about leaving. He threw a temper tantrum as I was trying to get him into his car seat. I discovered that it's almost impossible to strap a screaming, back-arching, wriggling, 23 lb toddler into a car seat. I won in the end, but it was a struggle for awhile. Distraction and singing are two powerful Mama weapons.

Today, he was nonstop destructo-toddler. I told Nancy that if they can figure out a way to bottle toddler energy we could completely eliminate the energy crisis. Who needs oil when you are toddler-powered? All I can say is that I'm exhausted, but it's a happy exhaustion to see my baby back to his usual happy self after laying around for several days. He has started to say "uh-oh!" when he accidently (or accidently on purpose) drops something. He also will toddle quickly away from me and look back to see if I'm following, since he wants to be chased and tickled. If that's not the cutest thing then I don't know what is.

Tomorrow, we might go to the pool for the first time. Jacob loves the bathtub so we hope that enjoys the pool even more.

Jacob's Adoption Finalization

2006-03-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

Jacob's adoption was finalized on March 7th, 2006. It was a fabulous day.

When Nancy and I first spoke with our lawyer about the adoption finalization, we figured that it would just be us, Jacob and my step-son in the courtroom, but our lawyer kept talking about how this was a "big deal" and she expected our family and friends to be there. Our mindset was that Jacob came into our lives when he was 4 days old and that this was just a legalization of our relationship, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

I'm so happy that our lawyer kept insisting that we should invite people to share in Jacob's big day.

My Mom flew up from California and had an outfit for Jacob that included a vest and tie. He looked very dapper. We also had about 10 friends in the courtroom with us. They all sat in the jury box and Nancy and I stood right in front of the judge's desk. We were sworn in and then answered a few questions from our lawyer like how long Nancy and I had been together (10 years) and that we had done all the paperwork for the adoption.

Then it was the judge's time to speak. Our lawyer had said that she was good. She wasn't just good, she was outstanding. She started out by saying how incredibly pleased she was to be able to sign the legal forms for our adoption of Jacob and that she had looked through our paperwork and written "Wow!" a lot on the margins of the pages because of our educational background and life experiences. She commended us that we opened our hearts and minds to a child who might have otherwise languished in the "system," and that our son is incredibly lucky to have us as his parents. Of course, we feel like the lucky ones to have such a sweet, happy, outgoing and incredibly cute baby. I guess it's a "win-win" situation all around.

The judge asked all of our friends to say a few words about us and Jacob. Everyone had such wonderful and kind things to say about how happy they were for us and for Jacob. My step-son talked about how we'd been such wonderful parents to him and allowed him the freedom to figure out what he wants to do with his life. There weren't many dry eyes in the courtroom.

The judge ended by quoting something from our homestudy report that I had stated in the paperwork, which is part of a longer Ralph Waldo Emerson quote about success: "Success is knowing that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived."

I actually almost fainted at one point. When we walked up to the judges bench, I could feel my face go red and I got all hot and sweaty. I'd been waiting to be a parent for about 5 years, and here I was finally going to be legally recognized as one. At a certain point, I began to feel unsteady and thought about asking to sit down, but fortunately, I was able to shake it off and didn't faint. One of our friends later described it as my face had a lot of color, and then it all went away quite suddenly, so I guess our friends we a bit worried about my fainting too!

After it was all over, we had pictures taken with the judge and everyone in the courtroom. That was when Jacob started clapping! There's no way that he could really know what was going on, but he seemed pretty happy to be there.

We all went out for ice cream afterwards and then we went home.

I didn't expect to feel different after Jacob's finalization, but I find that I'm relieved that he is now forever ours. I think I'd been holding back a bit about how deeply in love I am with Jacob. I got a little teary-eyed several times today when I thought about Jacob and how much I love him. I'm so happy that we're all legally recognized as a family now!!

Jacob's Gotcha Story

2006-01-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

Here's the story about how Jacob came into our lives almost one year ago...

After many years of increasingly invasive infertility treatments, I was actually relieved to come to the decision to adopt. We decided not to adopt an infant through the state because I couldn't bear the uncertainty of not knowing, possibly for years, if we would be his/her forever parents. We researched a few private agencies and learned that we could potentially wait years to adopt a Caucasian baby because of our older ages and because we're a same-sex couple. I had waited for four years to have a baby. I was done waiting and wanted to move on with our lives. While researching how we could adopt on a faster timeline, we learned that it can be hard to find homes for African-American infants that are placed for adoption, so the waiting time for a match can be much shorter . The African-American Infant Program at a local agency seemed like a good match for us. We decided to ask to be matched with a baby girl since we've already experienced raising Nancy's 19 year-old son and now wanted the experience of raising a girl. It took a few months for us to fill out the paperwork (it's not as bad as everyone says it is) and complete our homestudy. By November 2004 we were in the waiting pool of potential adoptive parents and our profile was being seen by potential birthmothers. So then we waited, and waited. I'm the kind of person who, if there's something I can do to help the process go faster, I'm going to do it. But there was nothing to do in this situation but try to be patient and wait. We attended our agency's educational and social African-American Infant Program Pizza Nights while we waited and met a fabulous group of people who were also waiting or already had their babies. These nights were essential for us to keep our sanity because we saw other families eventually get matched with their babies and know that it would happen for us.

In late-February 2005, I traveled to New Mexico on business. While I was there, I fell down some stairs and severely sprained my ankle. I called Nancy to tell her what happened while I was in the ER. She joked that we'd get a baby now for sure and we had a good laugh over it. I ended up in a cast and on crutches, and on some excellent pain killers that pretty much knocked me out. I spent the next day in my hotel room rather than going to meetings. At about 11:30AM, I got a call from Nancy: "I got a call from the agency and there's a baby boy in Delaware who's two-days old. If we want him, he's ours!"

Oh. My. God. I was in a painkiller-induced haze and now I was supposed to make one of the most important decisions of my life?? There wasn't even a pen and paper in the hotel room so I had to hobble to the reception desk to ask for them so I could write down his APGAR scores and other info. We had asked to be matched with a girl, and this was a boy. We had expected a semi-open adoption where we would at least meet the birthmother, but the birthmother wanted a closed adoption. Should we accept the match? Would we regret later that we had a boy and not a girl? Was the universe trying to tell us to not accept this match because I was in a cast and crutches or was it trying to create the most insane situation possible so it would be too absurd to not say yes? In the end, our decision was based on the fact that he seemed healthy, and we wanted a healthy child above all else. In addition, I decided that my being in a cast and crutches didn't justify saying no because parents end up in casts and crutches all the time and still have to be parents. So, we took a big breath, and said yes!

Now we had to get to Delaware ASAP. I flew home to Seattle that night, and we spent the next day packing, arranging airline tickets, hotels, rental cars, who would take care of our cats, buying cell phones, and what to do about all the projects that we were in the middle of at work. Luckily, we had already bought a few baby clothes, diapers and formula. We took the redeye that night to Dulles Airport near Washington, DC because we are familiar with the airport and it was a direct flight both ways. As we were landing, the pilot said "it's snowing and they expect to get about a foot before it's over." Nancy and I looked at each other with alarm. "Did you check the weather?" "Um, no. Did you check the weather?" We'd been having beautiful weather in Seattle and hadn't anticipated a huge snowstorm. I had a light Goretex jacket and some sweaters. Nancy had a slightly warmer jacket, but neither of us even had gloves or a hat. The baby clothes we had definitely were not meant for cold weather. After sweeping the snow off the rental car with a plastic bag, we were on our way to Delaware through a blinding blizard. Several hours later, we arrived at the agency. They put Jacob into our arms. He was and is beautiful, and it was all worth it.

Oh, and we found a hat and gloves under a table in our hotel room! Plus, it turned out that our hotel was right next to a shopping mall with a grocery store, a drug store, and a national chain baby store, so we could buy warmer clothes for Jacob even in the middle of a major snowstorm. We spent the next two weeks on a baby honeymoon, waiting for the interstate compact to come through so we could take Jacob home. Everyone was incredibly nice and helpful during our stay in Delaware.

On the flight home, we showed up at the airport check-in counter and one of the staff eyed us suspiciously. Here we were, two white women with a black baby, and I recalled reading in the newspaper that airline staff had been warned to look out for terrorists who don't fit the mold of "traditional" terrorists: women with babies. Plus, I was in a walking cast and needed a wheelchair to get out to the gate. Interestingly, a woman soon came with the wheelchair, but she was then called away, and 10 minutes later a man came along with a wheelchair. In retrospect, I realize now that he was some plainclothed agent who would be escorting us through security and to the plane. The suspicious gate agent also shadowed us to the gate and furiously worked at his computer and on the phone for the next two hours before our plane took off. We boarded without problems and our flight took off just fine. In midair, we got to talking with the flight attendants, some of whom wanted to hold Jacob. At one point, I overheard one say to another "which people were they worried about?" and the other slyly pointed in our direction. The first attendant said "oh, no way!" and the other agreed that there was nothing to worry about. I think that there were extra security agents on the plane, since a man close to the end of the flight came back from first class, looked at us, and said "hello" and smiled at us, then returned to first class. Very odd, but we got home in one piece!

Jacob is now 11 months old and is a wonderful, sweet, gorgeous baby-soon-to-be-toddler. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming that he's really ours.

Went to the Zoo today

2005-12-30T16:18:00.000-08:00

We took Jacob to the Zoo today, despite the forecast for rain (this is Seattle after all--we just dress for the weather). We had a grand time looking at zebras and elephants and feeding the birds. It started to pour, so we went to the covered gorilla exhibit, where there were lots of other people who were also trying to not get completely soaked. While we were looking at the gorillas, a couple next to us started to ooh and aahh over how cute Jacob is. Now this is not an uncommon occurence, as Jacob pretty much turns heads wherever we go. However, after a few moments, the woman's comments took an unexpected turn:

"I'd bet we could throw him in this exhibit and the gorillas wouldn't know the difference."

My partner and I were so stunned that we were pretty much speechless. After a few seconds, we walked away and we both agreed that it was a racist statement. I mean, they had just talked about how cute he is, and then basically said that he looks like a frickin' gorilla!

I don't think she even realized how insulting her comment was. Who the heck would throw a baby into a zoo exhibit?? The thought was horrifying. And then the whole "he looks like a gorilla" insinuation was astounding.

Transracial adoption

2005-12-15T20:31:00.000-08:00

I've done quite a lot of thinking about what I want to say in a blog. What can I contribute to the blogosphere that's not completely inane and navel-gazing? I've decided that my focus is going to be on my experiences with transracial adoption.

My partner and I are both white.

My son, who is almost 10 months old, is black.

Transracial adoption is not a journey to be undertaken lightly. We have to go out of our way to help our son experience and understand his birth culture so that he will feel comfortable in his own skin as he grows up. My worst fear is that he won't feel like he fits in anywhere as an adult.

One of the more interesting aspects of transracial adoption is that, whereever we go, people stare at us. Mostly, they stare because they are trying to fit our family into something that fits into their frame of reference. When someone stares, I often will smile at them. Usually they will look away for a second, then look back, smile back at me, and sometimes a conversation will start.

However, sometimes some really strange comments come along with that conversation. Things like:

Stranger: "Where was he born?"
Me: "Delaware."
Stranger: "No, where was HE born."
Me: "DELAWARE"

And then there was this question:

Stranger: "Is he from the Congo?"
Me: "Uh, no, he was born in Delaware."

I guess no black people exist in the US, so he must have come from some other country...
_________
I can't forget this question, when my son was quite young and in a Baby Bjorn:

Stranger: "Is that a dog?"
Me: "What??"
_________
And then there's this gem:

Stranger: "Oh they are so cute when they're babies!"

Oh. my. god.

____________________________

This journey that my family is on is amazing and interesting and frightening and educational all rolled into one. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

How to begin?

2005-10-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm really setting this up at this time because I had to create a user profile for a work-related project and had no idea that I'd have to set up my own blog. I've already obsessed over the name, username, etc. So now I'm going to have to think about what to actually post some other time. :-)

Oh, the name of this blog is based on a saying that I've put on a whiteboard in my office that I've received a lot of comments about. The quote is

"It will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, then it's not the end."

A lot of people who are in transition or are struggling with something in their lives seem to appreciate it. For me, it's a reference to my years of effort in trying to have a child.

KPE